The Best Awful Restaurant Review Ever

August 20, 2014 at 1:21 PM Leave a comment

I love reading bad restaurant reviews, especially the few-and-far-between ones that don’t soften their language and beat around the bush when they obviously hated the place.  Here’s one of the best I’ve read yet, from Ryan Sutton over at NY Eater, about the famous Tavern on the Green restaurant in New York City:

Tavern on the Green logo

Tavern on the Green is a former sheep barn that Robert Moses, in 1934, turned into what would eventually become one of New York’s most famous restaurants, under the management of great names like Joe Baum and Warner LeRoy, and with cameos in films like Ghostbusters and Wall Street. It’s one of the few New York hangouts that an out-of-town culinary novices could name with ease, which probably explains why it was once America’s highest grossing independent eatery — a title it could very well claim again, as it currently feeds 900-1000 guests on weekdays, and up to 1,700 on weekends.

[…]

Those numbers themselves mean the Tavern is a de facto gastronomic ambassador for the Big Apple, an unfortunate phenomenon for a venue whose $22 mac ‘n’ cheese is real prison slop. And when the waiter upsells you into topping it off with salmon — because what’s better than oily fish to pair with cheese-y, mushy, pasta — you’ll have spent $32 on what is surely one the worst things anyone can eat outside of Rikers.

[…]

This could be a turnip. This could be a potato. This could be anything,” my companion says of the roasted Japanese eggplant, devoid of flavor. Gruyere and goat cheese sandwiches, two tiny halves for $14, boast more grease than a lube job. Mushrooms, nominally affordable at $9, still overpriced because they’re the same criminis you could find at a supermarket for $1.50. They sit in bowl above a slice of baguette to soak up all the juices. Except there are no juices.

More…

You go Ryan!

Keep reading.  At the end the author calls it a “shitshow.”

Yikes.

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Entry filed under: Food.

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