It’s Christmas Eve and My Husband’s Dead

December 24, 2015 at 8:40 PM 7 comments

Dan w:John

It’s Christmas Eve.  Tomorrow marks the five-month anniversary of Dan’s death.

I remember Christmas Eves past.  We’d tease about opening presents early.  Sometimes we did and sometimes didn’t.  Sometimes we had a fancy meal and sometimes we didn’t.  Sometimes we stayed up late and sometimes we didn’t.

No matter what we did, I remember going to bed knowing he and I and the dogs were tucked in our bed, safe and sound with visions of sugar plums dancing in our heads.

I remember making ham and potatoes au gratin with lots of mustard and Gruyere.

I remember knowing we’d take the dogs for a walk no matter how icy or windy it was because Dan insisted.  They were good dogs and they deserved it he said (and he was right).

I remember Dan enjoying the lights on our living room wreath — and that warming my heart.

I remember stroking his hair then and this summer when I wheeled him around the nursing home grounds in May and June.

I remember how he hugged my leg with his arm when I stood next to his wheelchair seven days before he died when I found him folded over at the waist because he couldn’t hold his torso up anymore.

Back then, at least, Dan was alive.  ALIVE!  I could smell him. I could touch him.  I could see him. I could kiss him.  I could tell him I loved him.  I could hold him.  I could feel his warmth and send him mine.

Now Dan is dead.  His life on this Earth over.  It will never be again.

Dan didn’t want to be dead at 64.

Its Christmas Eve and I’m numb.  Frozen in grief.  Empty.  Hollowed out. Almost immobile.  I’m walking through life like a zombie.  I send a card here and there.  I wave at a neighbor…thanking them for caring…hoping they know how much I appreciate their support but only having enough energy to do that wave.

I’m looking forward to January 1.  At least the first “holiday season” without Dan will be over by then.  Maybe the New Year will bring some relief.

I love you Dan. I’ll love you forever.











Entry filed under: Musings.

Mr. Al Surveying The Scene Christmas

7 Comments Add your own

  • 1. M. Douglas Wray  |  December 24, 2015 at 9:14 PM


  • 2. Tim Truett  |  December 25, 2015 at 4:51 AM

    It sucks. Worst Christmas ever – Merry f@#king Christmas.
    I can promise this: It will get better in some ways. There will be a time, even a Christmas, when a thought of Dan, a precious memory, will bring a smile, before it brings a pain.
    Best wishes to you from here.

  • 3. Say It Ain't So Already  |  December 25, 2015 at 8:00 AM

    “Merry f@#king Christmas.” Exactly. That’s how it feels this year. Thanks Tim. I know you know.

  • 4. George Shaw  |  December 25, 2015 at 3:58 PM

    I really with there was something that I could say that would help you through the pain, but just know that we are so sorry. We hope that the new year does bring you some relief.

  • 5. mtzerin  |  December 28, 2015 at 6:01 AM

    It’s like an evaporation. Little things. Just gone. I seem to forget what was normal. It hurts to remember normal. Trying to laugh at stupid stuff. If not laughing I’ll cry.
    She is still here. Parkinson’s 10 years. She just gets closer to how I have always been. As her talents evaporate I tell her, she gets no sympathy from me now we are more like equals. We laugh together. Apart we cry.
    So sorry for your loss. Rich blessings seem to require such a steep payment.

  • 6. Say It Ain't So Already  |  January 3, 2016 at 12:15 PM

    Wow. That last sentence is SO true. My husband had Parkinson’s too.

  • 7. Say It Ain't So Already  |  January 3, 2016 at 12:20 PM

    Well George, I made it through! I’ve conquered some big “firsts” — my birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years Eve. What a relief. I didn’t realize I was dreading them so much until now, now that they’re over. Phew. Good riddance. Now I have a fresh new year stretching out in front of me and on the one hand I’m looking forward to it but on the other hand, it hit me on New Years Day that Dan won’t be in it. At least he was alive during roughly half of 2015. But, alas, he won’t be alive during any of 2016. Grief brings up the strangest thoughts sometimes.

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